I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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