Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.