Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
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Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
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It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.