guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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