you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
