3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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