Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
