I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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