I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
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