i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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