How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
