i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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