mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Randomize
