The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
