the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
