I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
