my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
