So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
