why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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