roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
