dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
