Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
