the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
do herpes really smell.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
