I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
