If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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