I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
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you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
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You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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