If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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