Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
