she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
