it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
