saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
