the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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