i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
