I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
