the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
