She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
