Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
