How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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