Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
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