ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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