never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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