I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
