glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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