so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
