wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I am midnight drunk by noon
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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