my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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