Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
