I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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