Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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