For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
