WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
