Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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