I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
