if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
