god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Randomize
