I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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