He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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