Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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