I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
