I am spending my child support on dildos
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
