it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
